Need someone to understand

Just kind of hoping to refresh this conversation... Just looking for others who will understand what it's like.
My husband and I have been married almost 5 years now. I had a pretty good idea he had aspergers before we got married - I was the one who suggested he look into getting counseling - but the official diagnosis came after we got married.
He is quite high-functioning, but still has a lot of the classic signs - needing structure (considering I have ADD, THAT'S quite fun...), needing to control his environment (and therefore ends up trying to control me), etc.
Add to this already difficult mix... last year, I had to move over 250 miles away from everything I've ever known to live with my spouse (long story) so now I'm dealing with marriage to someone with aspergers, living so far from my mom and my family, and a job that just sucks - dealing with snobs.
Does anyone still read/look at these forums? Would love to chat with someone who knows.

Hey! I'm new too. I can relate to a lot of this though. I have some advice but of course it's my opinion based on my life and my lessons so it only applies so much. But whats good about us both being new is we are both learning it seems. It's nice to grow with someone through hard times...and this situation for me at least provides very little of that. Im learning right now that I matter. That I'm not only a human too, that I need to take care of myself first. I can't help or fix anyone in reality. I can only change how i interact with the world and my environment to create a beneficial outcome for me and try along the way to do that in a way that helps those I love too. But that's a bonus.

I think the root issue for me, I'm realizing, is I have for a long time had what is referred to as a martyr complex. Perhaps you or others on here can relate? I feel like from other posts this is a theme. It feels like to move forward at all, dealing with the root cause I can actually control (being willing and eager to fall on the sword for others) is the only way I can improve my situation moving forward wether we can stay together or not. Basically I suggest it might help if you reach out to the community for support groups and make yourself a social and support group of new friends to balance out the lack of communication and empathy you might face at home. If you are far from family but you are close, use technology to its fullest. Build a regular line of communication and depending on your families dynamic, try to be honest about your needs and that you are struggling. I try not to talk bad about my spouse of course, but I'm not going to paint it like what I'm going through is easy. If you don't have family you can talk to, make yourself a new one.

Family isn't blood, it's love. I also saw signs from the get go. People in my family, friends who met him briefly mentioned him being on spectrum. I ignored it. I don't feel tricked. i feel disappointed in myself. I feel disappointed in my feelings of low self worth and I plan to remedy that first and foremost. If this is an issue for you, forgive yourself. That's going to be important no matter how you start. And then learn what you need and why you don't have what you need. If you believe in your spouses ability to learn and grow, if you know he at least loves you and is trying, fight for it. but if you don't, do what's right for you. And if you can't move that fast in making changes plan for multiple paths. Having plans and a sense of control makes it easier to stick it out when you don't feel like time is ticking down. Do you have any groups, clubs or activities you are part of in your area? Do you have friends you've been able to make outside your house? ( i know house guests seems to be hard to come by for myself and others due to the situation) Try looking up groups around you. Meet people and then meet people they know. Find something you are passionate about (art, writing, jogging, camping, video games, knitting, table top games, whatever) and join a group that focuses on that. I've found keeping extraneous stress low helps me deal with my day to day built in stress. News stresses you out? Don't watch the news. Want to know what's relevant and important in the news still? Get your news online where you can control what's thrown at you. Don't read online comments section drama. It does no good for anyone. Hmmm...also consider if you have other unhealthy or abusive relationships. if you have low self esteem or martyr complex chances are it might be time to weed out some people. Do that, too.

You have power in your own life. You aren't supposed to hold the world on your shoulders. You need help. Ask for and expect that help or find a place that you are appreciated and let go of unhealthy situations. I hope some of this applied and helped. I hope you find happiness and balance for yourself! Welcome to us both, lol. Good luck and strength to all the ladies and men on here fighting through for their marriages. Much respect!

Hey! I'm new too. I can relate to a lot of this though. I have some advice but of course it's my opinion based on my life and my lessons so it only applies so much. But whats good about us both being new is we are both learning it seems. It's nice to grow with someone through hard times...and this situation for me at least provides very little of that. Im learning right now that I matter. That I'm not only a human too, that I need to take care of myself first. I can't help or fix anyone in reality. I can only change how i interact with the world and my environment to create a beneficial outcome for me and try along the way to do that in a way that helps those I love too. But that's a bonus.

I think the root issue for me, I'm realizing, is I have for a long time had what is referred to as a martyr complex. Perhaps you or others on here can relate? I feel like from other posts this is a theme. It feels like to move forward at all, dealing with the root cause I can actually control (being willing and eager to fall on the sword for others) is the only way I can improve my situation moving forward wether we can stay together or not. Basically I suggest it might help if you reach out to the community for support groups and make yourself a social and support group of new friends to balance out the lack of communication and empathy you might face at home. If you are far from family but you are close, use technology to its fullest. Build a regular line of communication and depending on your families dynamic, try to be honest about your needs and that you are struggling. I try not to talk bad about my spouse of course, but I'm not going to paint it like what I'm going through is easy. If you don't have family you can talk to, make yourself a new one.

Family isn't blood, it's love. I also saw signs from the get go. People in my family, friends who met him briefly mentioned him being on spectrum. I ignored it. I don't feel tricked. i feel disappointed in myself. I feel disappointed in my feelings of low self worth and I plan to remedy that first and foremost. If this is an issue for you, forgive yourself. That's going to be important no matter how you start. And then learn what you need and why you don't have what you need. If you believe in your spouses ability to learn and grow, if you know he at least loves you and is trying, fight for it. but if you don't, do what's right for you. And if you can't move that fast in making changes plan for multiple paths. Having plans and a sense of control makes it easier to stick it out when you don't feel like time is ticking down. Do you have any groups, clubs or activities you are part of in your area? Do you have friends you've been able to make outside your house? ( i know house guests seems to be hard to come by for myself and others due to the situation) Try looking up groups around you. Meet people and then meet people they know. Find something you are passionate about (art, writing, jogging, camping, video games, knitting, table top games, whatever) and join a group that focuses on that. I've found keeping extraneous stress low helps me deal with my day to day built in stress. News stresses you out? Don't watch the news. Want to know what's relevant and important in the news still? Get your news online where you can control what's thrown at you. Don't read online comments section drama. It does no good for anyone. Hmmm...also consider if you have other unhealthy or abusive relationships. if you have low self esteem or martyr complex chances are it might be time to weed out some people. Do that, too.

You have power in your own life. You aren't supposed to hold the world on your shoulders. You need help. Ask for and expect that help or find a place that you are appreciated and let go of unhealthy situations. I hope some of this applied and helped. I hope you find happiness and balance for yourself! Welcome to us both, lol. Good luck and strength to all the ladies and men on here fighting through for their marriages. Much respect!