Need someone to understand

17 years married to my aspie now - and much of that has been sooo hard!! finding out about aspie's nature from this place and other forums has been a HUGE support.We have found that me using strategies that work for aspie's has had a big effect, understanding how the mind works and dealing with it from that perspective has helped to calm down the storms very well. They haven't gone completely, we still have our moments (nearly left for good this xmas!!!), it can still be very hard and lonely - but in the good times there are so many ups. Huuby is a man of extremes - when he is upset he can't see that he will ever be anything other than upset, and can't see that Ive done it by mistake - it HAS to be deliberate, it MUST be to upset him - NOONE is that stupid to not see what I have done because it is SO obvious!!! When he is good he is totally reliable, I never have to worry about him with other women, or wonder where he is, he never comes home drunk, he is always for me 100%. he is always 100% honest... so many things - I say 90% of the time he is the ideal husband, 10% of the time I cant' wait for the kids to grow up so I can be free!!! Happy to listen and offer advice and thoughts

17 years married to my aspie now - and much of that has been sooo hard!! finding out about aspie's nature from this place and other forums has been a HUGE support.We have found that me using strategies that work for aspie's has had a big effect, understanding how the mind works and dealing with it from that perspective has helped to calm down the storms very well. They haven't gone completely, we still have our moments (nearly left for good this xmas!!!), it can still be very hard and lonely - but in the good times there are so many ups. Huuby is a man of extremes - when he is upset he can't see that he will ever be anything other than upset, and can't see that Ive done it by mistake - it HAS to be deliberate, it MUST be to upset him - NOONE is that stupid to not see what I have done because it is SO obvious!!! When he is good he is totally reliable, I never have to worry about him with other women, or wonder where he is, he never comes home drunk, he is always for me 100%. he is always 100% honest... so many things - I say 90% of the time he is the ideal husband, 10% of the time I cant' wait for the kids to grow up so I can be free!!! Happy to listen and offer advice and thoughts

17 years married to my aspie now - and much of that has been sooo hard!! finding out about aspie's nature from this place and other forums has been a HUGE support.We have found that me using strategies that work for aspie's has had a big effect, understanding how the mind works and dealing with it from that perspective has helped to calm down the storms very well. They haven't gone completely, we still have our moments (nearly left for good this xmas!!!), it can still be very hard and lonely - but in the good times there are so many ups. Huuby is a man of extremes - when he is upset he can't see that he will ever be anything other than upset, and can't see that Ive done it by mistake - it HAS to be deliberate, it MUST be to upset him - NOONE is that stupid to not see what I have done because it is SO obvious!!! When he is good he is totally reliable, I never have to worry about him with other women, or wonder where he is, he never comes home drunk, he is always for me 100%. he is always 100% honest... so many things - I say 90% of the time he is the ideal husband, 10% of the time I cant' wait for the kids to grow up so I can be free!!! Happy to listen and offer advice and thoughts

I've be married for close to 19 years to my Aspie husband and it has not been easy AT ALL. If I had to do it all over again I would have run when I had the chance. Do not blame yourself. These men have a unique way of masking their differences in the beginning and have learned to mimic what a traditional romance looks like. I got sucked in too.

I didn't realize he had Aspergers until we had our son. Our son is also a high functioning Aspie. I made the conscious decision to only have one child (he's 17 years old now).

I don't have a magic answer for you and I feel your pain. It's something that I've gotten used to. About year 7 in our marriage I moved to a separate bedroom and that has helped me tremendously. I needed my own space and a place to decompress.

I also stand up to him and tell him where to get off when he starts having a meltdown. I don't back down ever. I will always win and have told him if he doesn't like it tough, there's the door. He tried to push me around in the beginning but that did not work out very well for him. I don't subscribe to the theory that many people have that I need to change in order to deal with him. I matter too and I won't put up with bad behavior of any kind. His meltdowns lend themselves to emotional abuse and I won't have it.

There hasn't been much benefit in being married to him over the years. He is chronically unemployed and has some real health issues (heart problems). I love him in a weird kind of way and have come to realize that I will probably never experience a true partnership or true love with a man in this lifetime. There is no emotional intimacy and barely any physical intimacy. I cry now as I write this because I missed out on having someone to take care of me. I used to blame myself, but not any more. He was all smoke and mirrors and when I got a look behind that curtain it was too late. I felt duped and lied to and taken advantage of. I still mourn for what could have been and for the choices that I have made.

My family and my close friends all know what I am dealing with and are very supportive of me. This helps.

It's a rough road being married to an Aspie. Really think about yourself in this. They are pretty selfish people and have a tendency to try to suck the life right out of you. There is no fixing that can be done through counseling I believe. I am self-aware and recognize my own issues. I am pissed off at the notion that I would have to go through it to deal with him. NO. They think different than NT's that's the gist of it and there is no fixing that.

I don't know if my perspective helps you at all. I am happy to answer any questions or lend you support any way that I can.

Just kind of hoping to refresh this conversation... Just looking for others who will understand what it's like.
My husband and I have been married almost 5 years now. I had a pretty good idea he had aspergers before we got married - I was the one who suggested he look into getting counseling - but the official diagnosis came after we got married.
He is quite high-functioning, but still has a lot of the classic signs - needing structure (considering I have ADD, THAT'S quite fun...), needing to control his environment (and therefore ends up trying to control me), etc.
Add to this already difficult mix... last year, I had to move over 250 miles away from everything I've ever known to live with my spouse (long story) so now I'm dealing with marriage to someone with aspergers, living so far from my mom and my family, and a job that just sucks - dealing with snobs.
Does anyone still read/look at these forums? Would love to chat with someone who knows.

Just kind of hoping to refresh this conversation... Just looking for others who will understand what it's like.
My husband and I have been married almost 5 years now. I had a pretty good idea he had aspergers before we got married - I was the one who suggested he look into getting counseling - but the official diagnosis came after we got married.
He is quite high-functioning, but still has a lot of the classic signs - needing structure (considering I have ADD, THAT'S quite fun...), needing to control his environment (and therefore ends up trying to control me), etc.
Add to this already difficult mix... last year, I had to move over 250 miles away from everything I've ever known to live with my spouse (long story) so now I'm dealing with marriage to someone with aspergers, living so far from my mom and my family, and a job that just sucks - dealing with snobs.
Does anyone still read/look at these forums? Would love to chat with someone who knows.

Hey! I'm new too. I can relate to a lot of this though. I have some advice but of course it's my opinion based on my life and my lessons so it only applies so much. But whats good about us both being new is we are both learning it seems. It's nice to grow with someone through hard times...and this situation for me at least provides very little of that. Im learning right now that I matter. That I'm not only a human too, that I need to take care of myself first. I can't help or fix anyone in reality. I can only change how i interact with the world and my environment to create a beneficial outcome for me and try along the way to do that in a way that helps those I love too. But that's a bonus.

I think the root issue for me, I'm realizing, is I have for a long time had what is referred to as a martyr complex. Perhaps you or others on here can relate? I feel like from other posts this is a theme. It feels like to move forward at all, dealing with the root cause I can actually control (being willing and eager to fall on the sword for others) is the only way I can improve my situation moving forward wether we can stay together or not. Basically I suggest it might help if you reach out to the community for support groups and make yourself a social and support group of new friends to balance out the lack of communication and empathy you might face at home. If you are far from family but you are close, use technology to its fullest. Build a regular line of communication and depending on your families dynamic, try to be honest about your needs and that you are struggling. I try not to talk bad about my spouse of course, but I'm not going to paint it like what I'm going through is easy. If you don't have family you can talk to, make yourself a new one.

Family isn't blood, it's love. I also saw signs from the get go. People in my family, friends who met him briefly mentioned him being on spectrum. I ignored it. I don't feel tricked. i feel disappointed in myself. I feel disappointed in my feelings of low self worth and I plan to remedy that first and foremost. If this is an issue for you, forgive yourself. That's going to be important no matter how you start. And then learn what you need and why you don't have what you need. If you believe in your spouses ability to learn and grow, if you know he at least loves you and is trying, fight for it. but if you don't, do what's right for you. And if you can't move that fast in making changes plan for multiple paths. Having plans and a sense of control makes it easier to stick it out when you don't feel like time is ticking down. Do you have any groups, clubs or activities you are part of in your area? Do you have friends you've been able to make outside your house? ( i know house guests seems to be hard to come by for myself and others due to the situation) Try looking up groups around you. Meet people and then meet people they know. Find something you are passionate about (art, writing, jogging, camping, video games, knitting, table top games, whatever) and join a group that focuses on that. I've found keeping extraneous stress low helps me deal with my day to day built in stress. News stresses you out? Don't watch the news. Want to know what's relevant and important in the news still? Get your news online where you can control what's thrown at you. Don't read online comments section drama. It does no good for anyone. Hmmm...also consider if you have other unhealthy or abusive relationships. if you have low self esteem or martyr complex chances are it might be time to weed out some people. Do that, too.

You have power in your own life. You aren't supposed to hold the world on your shoulders. You need help. Ask for and expect that help or find a place that you are appreciated and let go of unhealthy situations. I hope some of this applied and helped. I hope you find happiness and balance for yourself! Welcome to us both, lol. Good luck and strength to all the ladies and men on here fighting through for their marriages. Much respect!

Hey! I'm new too. I can relate to a lot of this though. I have some advice but of course it's my opinion based on my life and my lessons so it only applies so much. But whats good about us both being new is we are both learning it seems. It's nice to grow with someone through hard times...and this situation for me at least provides very little of that. Im learning right now that I matter. That I'm not only a human too, that I need to take care of myself first. I can't help or fix anyone in reality. I can only change how i interact with the world and my environment to create a beneficial outcome for me and try along the way to do that in a way that helps those I love too. But that's a bonus.

I think the root issue for me, I'm realizing, is I have for a long time had what is referred to as a martyr complex. Perhaps you or others on here can relate? I feel like from other posts this is a theme. It feels like to move forward at all, dealing with the root cause I can actually control (being willing and eager to fall on the sword for others) is the only way I can improve my situation moving forward wether we can stay together or not. Basically I suggest it might help if you reach out to the community for support groups and make yourself a social and support group of new friends to balance out the lack of communication and empathy you might face at home. If you are far from family but you are close, use technology to its fullest. Build a regular line of communication and depending on your families dynamic, try to be honest about your needs and that you are struggling. I try not to talk bad about my spouse of course, but I'm not going to paint it like what I'm going through is easy. If you don't have family you can talk to, make yourself a new one.

Family isn't blood, it's love. I also saw signs from the get go. People in my family, friends who met him briefly mentioned him being on spectrum. I ignored it. I don't feel tricked. i feel disappointed in myself. I feel disappointed in my feelings of low self worth and I plan to remedy that first and foremost. If this is an issue for you, forgive yourself. That's going to be important no matter how you start. And then learn what you need and why you don't have what you need. If you believe in your spouses ability to learn and grow, if you know he at least loves you and is trying, fight for it. but if you don't, do what's right for you. And if you can't move that fast in making changes plan for multiple paths. Having plans and a sense of control makes it easier to stick it out when you don't feel like time is ticking down. Do you have any groups, clubs or activities you are part of in your area? Do you have friends you've been able to make outside your house? ( i know house guests seems to be hard to come by for myself and others due to the situation) Try looking up groups around you. Meet people and then meet people they know. Find something you are passionate about (art, writing, jogging, camping, video games, knitting, table top games, whatever) and join a group that focuses on that. I've found keeping extraneous stress low helps me deal with my day to day built in stress. News stresses you out? Don't watch the news. Want to know what's relevant and important in the news still? Get your news online where you can control what's thrown at you. Don't read online comments section drama. It does no good for anyone. Hmmm...also consider if you have other unhealthy or abusive relationships. if you have low self esteem or martyr complex chances are it might be time to weed out some people. Do that, too.

You have power in your own life. You aren't supposed to hold the world on your shoulders. You need help. Ask for and expect that help or find a place that you are appreciated and let go of unhealthy situations. I hope some of this applied and helped. I hope you find happiness and balance for yourself! Welcome to us both, lol. Good luck and strength to all the ladies and men on here fighting through for their marriages. Much respect!