We just found out my husband has asperger's. His father knew since he was 12 but never told him until last week. He is 47.

I have been with him for 5 years.  It has been a roller coaster.   The stress, the tears, the anger and mostly the fear.  My husband is 47.  We just found out last week he was diagnosed with asperger's when he was 12.  His father told him last week after my husband and I had a huge fight.  His father decided to not tell him and pull him out of therapy.  Can you believe it????  We are not in a good place financially.  He is so smart but he cant hold a job.  I recently lost my job due to business closing.   I am going to college full time for art therapy.  Im losing it.  I really am.  I have no clue how to handle this.  We cant go to therapy because honestly, we are broke.  $5 in the bank.  No insurance.  Feels like no hope.  I am looking for work, so is he.  He has noone.  A sick, ill narcissistic father, a son who hates him and a daughter who will sleep with anyone.  I am all he has.  I feel like I am dying, drowning.   I need help.  There are so many issues.   Its too much.  I knew something was wrong but I had hopes.  He was a raging alcoholic who went to jail for hitting me.  He has been sober for 1 1/2 years.  He hasn't hit me since he went to jail for 8 months.  He has zero common sense.   I feel like his mother.  Hes like a rebellious teen.  Always saying no I didnt, or I dudnt do anything or its not my fault.  I am depressed beyond but I care about him.  It is a form of love.  Im a care taker.   How do we get past this? Get better? His outbursts are too much.  He cant handle stress or criticism.  He freaks out.  Help! Anyone! What can we do?  I wont end it.  He is all alone.  Am I as well.   Everyone hates him.  No one understands.  

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  • This is where I was 10yrs ago when I joined this site. I found the support massive. Learning to live and communicate with an aspie partner is a huge deal - few manage it - many get very badly damaged by it. Theres no softening it - its incredibly hard!

    But learning as muh as possible about how aspie brains function and process info is massively helpful - both general ideas and exactly how ones own aspie functions and communicates as we are al so very very different!

    I have managed to stay married fpr 20 yrs but often every step of that has felt like a running battle. Noone knows why I stay - my family say hes an abusive narcissist and sometimes I agree wholeheartedly. But he genuinely isnt - the miscommunications between us leave him deeply confused and enormously hurt. Hes one of the most remarkable, kind, loving people Ive ever met ... and then he has a meltdown!!!

    Weve recently started writing our arguements down - which leaves everyone I know thinking were nuts - but aspies (both of us) process very badly verbally and the complexities of language are a huge nightmare at the best of times- stress means ability to understand spoken languages goes to zero - wriytng has helped enormously.

    Aspies also dont see what others might see as blindingly obvious - I suspect written rules wpuld go a long way and I plan on this being a next step. That you do stuff for him and he appreciates it might be taken as read - turns out my hubby assumed fpr 20 years that because he appreciated me he figured I know that - he told me pnce - why does he need to repeat it??? Hes said he loves me - why repeat it??? That you dont want to do all his stuff for him might not occur to him - especially if once you said "dont worry about x ill do that" - thats then what you do and hes incredibly confused because I never said (after telling him once that I dont mind) that I DO mind if I ALWAYS do it - thats not obvious to him.

    Generally my experience (my 15yr old daughter also diagnosed) is that aspies try incredibly hard to get life right, care massively about those they love, are utterly overwhelmingly confused and hurt by others reaction when they dpnt get it right and find the whole thing almost impossibly painful.

    Keep coming here for support when youre losing it - youll only get through this with a support network that fully understands aspies and their relationships - the ret of the world just looks in on this universe and thinks its crazy - they dont live it!

    Im still hopeful its possible - wouldnt have said that a week ago though

    Good luck!!
  • Thank you for your reply. I was crying yesterday, bad day, and he showed zero emotion or interest. Kept playing his video game. I walked outside to cry. Came back in and went to bed. There is zero effort by him in caring. Its like my tears trigger him. He is either in fix it mode or ignore mode. If he cant fix it, its a fight. I just shut down and go to bed. My best friend is on the spectrum and we have zero problems. Strange. But, thank you. Take care.
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  • Thank you for your reply. I was crying yesterday, bad day, and he showed zero emotion or interest. Kept playing his video game. I walked outside to cry. Came back in and went to bed. There is zero effort by him in caring. Its like my tears trigger him. He is either in fix it mode or ignore mode. If he cant fix it, its a fight. I just shut down and go to bed. My best friend is on the spectrum and we have zero problems. Strange. But, thank you. Take care.
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