Any help is welcome here.

So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years; I am about to be 20 and he just turned 24. I love him very much, and I honestly have been probably more patient and forgiving than I should have been. I want to be able to talk to him about issues without him feeling like I'm attacking/cornering him. It seems whenever I try to talk about issues I have with his behaviors he tends to believe he hasnt done anything wrong. That or he gets super defensive. He doesnt seem to care really unless I'm crying. Like if he says something and I cry he gets upset and tries to help me feel better; he seems to understand that its important and genuinely hurt since I'm not really a cryer. But if I try to come to him and say something like "hey what you did the other day kind of made me feel this way and I would like to come to a solution that is mutually beneficial" he denies everything and chalks it up to he doesnt care because it's my problem I'm hurt. He claims it's because he lacks empathy and he cant understand why I'm upset. Which I get but he gets so upset I cant even explain myself sometimes. I just want to learn to properly communicate problems with him. I'm really getting exhausted of the fighting/feeling not that important to him and I dont want to be the reason we cant communicate. If someone can help me do so I'd be forever grateful.

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  • Hi, you are exactly where I was 10 years ago. He will NEVER change. My now husband and I went to three years of weekly marriage counseling with an Aspergers specialist (hard to find) and it barely made a difference in Tom. I learned a bunch of tools and techniques in managing my Aspergers husband but he didn’t change. I have to do all the emotional heavy lifting and behavioral counseling. Maxine Aston’s books were a godsend on adjusting my expectations of him. He really does have empathy or an imagination and never will. They flip from calm to rage in an instant. They say incredibly hurtful things and have not a clue as to why you’re hurt. They were ‘just being honest’. They will hurt you and keep saying hurtful things if you say your hurt.
    The best thing to do is walk away to a separate yourself till the sting of the hurt wears off.
    If it wasn’t for the surprise pregnancy of my daughter I don’t think I would still be with him?
    Is the pure hearted puppy like love you get from him really worth it??? My health has diminished greatly since marrying my Aspie. Because I have all the responsibilities of raising the children and taking care of my Aspergers husband my stress levels are high. He is incapable of parenting the kids because they are so unpredictable. He can play with the kids like a champ, because he is a big kid, but PARENTING is another thing entirely.
    My advice is to leave your Aspie if you can. You deserve the best. Maxine Aston’s research names a syndrome after the health decline most Aspie wives experience. The other advice is, is he really willing to try and change? My husband is truly trying to learn, but it took him three years of tutoring for him to master chicken tacos. After having two c-section births and no family to help he NEEDED to learn how to make something. If you don’t plan on having kids get a UTI birth control NOW! No surprise pregnancy.

    Again, if you have ANY doubts about your boyfriend RUN don’t walk away from him. Practice self love in positive self talk, and self care with feeding yourself good food and getting a good nights sleep. No one, other than your kids, are worth losing sleep over.
  • I am on birth control, no kids for me for a while Haha. And I'm sorry to hear that, i can see where you're coming from too. Honestly, I know he tries and doesn't want to react with anger (we've talked about it before), but it feels like if I leave change up to him it's just him ignoring me for extended periods of time. I have my own mental illnesses, I cant really be alone and my family isnt the best. So he helps a lot when he isnt in one of his moods. I really do care about this person. Hes actually a kind person at heart, one of the kindest I've ever met. I want to see him happy, its just stressful that I dont understand him at all. I've tried doing research and such but nothing really gives me answers. If I come to him he gets all weird and touchy about it. I know he cares but it's just frustrating that we cant talk to one another properly.
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  • I am on birth control, no kids for me for a while Haha. And I'm sorry to hear that, i can see where you're coming from too. Honestly, I know he tries and doesn't want to react with anger (we've talked about it before), but it feels like if I leave change up to him it's just him ignoring me for extended periods of time. I have my own mental illnesses, I cant really be alone and my family isnt the best. So he helps a lot when he isnt in one of his moods. I really do care about this person. Hes actually a kind person at heart, one of the kindest I've ever met. I want to see him happy, its just stressful that I dont understand him at all. I've tried doing research and such but nothing really gives me answers. If I come to him he gets all weird and touchy about it. I know he cares but it's just frustrating that we cant talk to one another properly.
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