How to approach a friend I am convinced has Asperger's?

hi ya yes if it was a close friend i would tell them in fact i told a friend before her son has aspergers and she went took him to be assessed and he was diagnosed also when my son was little i was so stressed out because i was told he has speech and launguage delay ,poor social skiils very immature for his age ,has issues with routines etc etc list goes on and it got me down as it was like constant he this he that and i always thought to myself why why all this maybe its all connected one day a lady at the school came over to me and she said i hope you dont mind but your son has autism i can bet you that get him assesed so i did and yes he do she was right and i thanked her for her honesty .for me i always knew i was diffrent but guess i believed i was just hard work and awkward like i was told so with my sons diagnosis and coming to asn made me wonder and when people here said fairy we see it in you it made me appreciate there honesty and so for my own mind i went for assessment and was told yes i have aspergers but for me yes i have a name and it helps alot with my past and understanding myself better but im still just me same person i always been its just these days in being here at asn i have people what understand me or at least if not always they try and that helps me so so much and makes me feel accepted for me and who i am so my advice wud be yes tell him your thoughts xx

I wouldn't tell him straight out, if he makes his way ok in the world, he won't like someone coming & saying there's something wrong with him. If you are good friends you should gently ease it into the conversation at various times so he can choose to think about it later on. You need to go easy with german men some of them would find it insulting. Depression is a related condition, & a slow revelation may get through better, & give him some ideas to help himself

Thank you, fairy and jaynee!

To fairy:
I'm glad you told a friend and I am glad someone told you about your son! Maybe I need more time to be closer friends before I can take the risk of telling him (in a very gentle way).

To jaynee:
I, too, think telling him straight out is not an option. But how do I gently ease it into the conversation? I've been wondering for days. And I thought about this: Why not tell him more about me? I have quite a few Asperger's traits so it is the truth that I need clear "instructions" about things. So he told me that he has boundaries as far as closeness is concerned and now I would like to ask him something but I didn't dare when we last met. So I thought of writing an e-mail saying that I have this question and didn't dare ask and I didn't dare ask because I am always scared of crossing someone's boundaries and hurting someone (so very true for me -- and him!). I'd add that I can well accept any boundaries if I know of them. And therefore I'd appreciate it if he told me clearly about any boundaries because truth does not hurt me. It's not knowing and than making mistakes with people, i.e. hurting them, that causes me pain.
Of course this is not mentioning AS but maybe he can relate to me a bit better, plus get to know me better at the same time. And maybe this way he could share about what he is like and thus we'd be speaking of AS on the side.
Would that be an option?
There was a time when I explained a lot to him -- back then I didn't suspect AS at all, I had just noticed that he was a "gentle soul" and that very often he doesn't get jokes or the meanings behind the words (I thought that was due to culture differences, he's not German!), so I automatically explained things; one time I explained something he was very well aware of and he got a bit mad at me and reacted to me as if I had been treating him like a child (which I honestly wasn't!!!). I don't want to hurt him by him thinking I'd think he's stupid or anything of that kind!
What do you think?

Thank you tons!

ah no if you ent close to him then i dunno bout that depends how you say it i spose i been thinking about this since you asked and i just dunno actually it depends on the person to i think that was how i felt and yes id like to be told if was me but for instance me and my mum know my dad has aspergers but wud we tell him?? no way he will say dont talk a load of rubbish im me and ive lived like this whole life he is well hard faced lol believe me i ent even told him i got it my dad is sooooooo set in his ways to try and tell him he has a condition well he will just tell me im crazy i reckon but now we know name of what it is it so obvious he has it and explains alot to me to but he been married to my mum loads of years and he do his thing and is happy so no need i guess if you feel your friend is struggling then id probley say have you ever thought you may have aspergers mate and go from there and as for children i told my friend coz he was struggling so much and she cuddnt work out why was he flapping and doing certain things so i just said it straight and said he has aspergers and she was so happy i was honest even cried says she felt a relief as always knew summing but when ask people they didnt real answer i guess really it depends how your friend is and if he is struggling .i also suffer from depression and am on tablets which my dr told me i will be on for forseeable future as he feels it helps with my anxiety xx

im not autistic but...
i wouldnt bring it up just yet. maybe he already knows and doesnt want you to know.
one must respect anothers privacy.
if you say you recognize some of his aspie traits then start to compliment him on them...the ones you notice and like about him....
i have noticed that you are a very literal thinker.....
you have a great sense of fairness.....
i like the way you are so organized.......
if you react in a positive way to the things that make him who he is it may show him you notice the very things he is trying to hide from others and make him feel more comfortable about how you feel about him....the way he is.
peace

To domsdad: Thank you! This is some good advice! I've done it before but more general (I like your thoughts and views on things.) But really taking individual traits is a great idea.
And: YES, it's a lot about privacy, which is why I am confused about what to do. Stick around and see is probably a good idea.

To fairy:
See, if he doesn't know (this is what is bothering me) he might not go see a doctor and get drugs that could help! And there were a few times when I was really scared of him hurting more than he could bear... I'm glad that you're taking good care of yourself!
Yeh, it certainly depends on the person... Maybe I should stop looking into the books and reading about AS and just get back to being friends as it used to be. Everything was fine then and our relationship (as good friends) was growing.

[Updated on 11/8/2010 9:22 AM]

kristina hun reading books is good but no persons with aspergers are the same we may all have simalar traits but the way we are act see things deal things we all do in our own unique way just like any person really none of us are identical xx

what i mean is like lets use asn for an example ok so for instance i have aspergers jakki has aspergers ,gavia has aspergers,momma has aspergers ,yami has aspergers etc etc but we all react diffrent to diffrent things because although we may all have the same condition we are all individuals just like your friend so you may read a book or see a film such as say rain man and think we all the same as that but were not dont get me wrong books are brilliant but i find experience and getting to know people and understanding them helps me more as there is so many times i think well hey why dont they get what i mean wen we both have same thing but we all react diffrently and we all have had our own lives and pasts on how we deal with things hope this makes sense xx

Sure it makes sense! I hope I didn't give you the impression that I think all people with asperger's (for example) are the same! I certainly never thought so! But I just found out about him one and a half weeks ago and first I was so happy to know but then I realized I didn't know anything so I read up on it as much as I could. I guess it's a way of trying to gain control after having been on a roller coaster ride for two months!
I think now it's time to get rid of the books or rather find a balance. I think I needed all the reading and finding out because nothing made sense in the two months before.
I am aware that everybody is different and has his or her own ways! I just needed to get my feet back on the ground. Hope this makes sense too! :-)

no i didnt think that was just generally speaking i read books have done too but noone knows my son like i do teachers read books to but only begin to understand him when have gotten to know him and his ways i actually think your great for bothering to read up and for bothering to try find out and ask questions wish there was more people in the world like you who did that xx

what i mean is like a book could tell you people with autism hate loud noises but some may love them or it may say people with autism cant handle change at all well some can with ideas you see like i dont like change really but sometimes it has to happen so i have to accept it . so like say your friend and you are out and you suddenly grab his arm this may make him react as he dont like arm being touched but you wud of learned ok he dont like that i wont do again where as maybe you touch his leg and he is fine about it so it really is getting to know the person xx

Hi ya yes please dont just come out with it that might send him running and u wont want that, you need to spend a lot of time to get to no him first ans that does not allways happen right away like i told you with me and my partner its years and years of friendship first

I have a family member and know a friend who has ASD or Asperger traits. In learning about my daughters Autism they heard my Mum and I talking about the traits and acknowledged that they too have similarities. My Dad told me he thinks he has traits but doesn't want to look into it too far for himself where as the friend was relieved to know and that he has something to work with now. He didn't know why he didn't understand some things and why he took things so literal and couldn't think around corners so to say.

Perhaps with your friend u could do it in a similar way, be talking about another u know with his traits and he might even just acknowledge it to himself and not to u. If he tries to be as normal as possible it might make him see u as a threat to his way of life he wants to live, on the other hand he might feel pleased to know. It's hard to say cos I don't know him myself but u do so u can make that decision. Some ppl are just happy to know things themselves even if they don't acknowledge it to others.

Kristina you sound really confused as to where do personality traits cross over & become aspergers traits. This is also confusing as you say your friend is a different nationality to you. Different countries do have really different traits some more than others, & that is confusing enough. Add that to reading about aspegers & then you thinking you are a bit like that it becomes totally confusing & you need to take a step back & relax a bit. There isn't any medication that will fix anything much. Nutrition & ways to achieve it, may hold more answers.

I moved to another country so people wouldn't notice my ASD and take me as i came.
Its not culteral nationalities though I have some idea what u mean,
How about printing out a bulet point list or definition of Aspergers and handing it to them
Say I notice you have these things in common with Aspergers. Lots of amazing people hve it or are suspected of having it including Einstien. Do u think u might have some of these traits? What do u think about that posibility??

Sorry i wrote it like i would give directions to another person on rhe spectrum. I am not so good at putting it in NT terms but since u are talking to a potiential ASD it might help to be direct. Being "kind" will only confuse the matter and muddy communications. Kind people have done me a lot of harm with the best intensions. I don't get it and its like speaking a foriegn language to be kind.

Does this make sense to you??

Nora ASD who many likes it this way on a personal level though not at an interpersonal level